Love Confounded

After Marshall, I really didn't want to dive into another relationship so I painted the town red ... ummm, ok not just red .. more of maroon because of the intensity of how I wanted to get laid.

When I found out that Marshall already had a new partner after 3 days of our epic break-up, I thought that it was a sign from the supreme being that I can go back to the dating scene. It was a proof that my anxiety over the thought that I might make another visit to the ER if he found out I was already dating - was already up in the clouds.

My fisrt date was a disaster, as he had a tendency to be either "user friendly" or a "friendly user" (the latter being more probable). So I ditched him the next day.

The 2nd was OK. He was very intelligent, a good conversationalist and buffed to the highest echelons of buffness. The only problem was, he didn't like doing the "tumba la cama" on the 1st date. I thought that I was more feminine than this guy and I'm the bottom, so why is he acting like a high school girl who hasn't had any carnal thoughts? Again, I ditched him.

Me and my G4M posse (a website that is like a gay version of facebook/friendster) were planning a night out. I was online that afternoon and one chatter there, whom I'll hide under the name of Zorro, asked me if I were going out and if he can join me. I told him me and my friends' plans and he said he was going to pick me up from my house and go with us wherever we went.

Zorro and I had some exchange of messages before this. He messaged me after Marshall and I broke up. He was asking me how I was and after I said I was doing great, I chose to end our conversation because he might be a bigger blogger and would steal my life story from me.

When we were on our way to Jax, a comedy bar here in Olongapo, we were able to talk a bit about his life. He said that Marshall used to court him, right before Marshall and I became a couple. This made me think if Olongapo's gay community is really that small. I won't go into the nasty details anymore, but we instanly bonded because of our shared experiences.

The night went ahead with the regular ingredients of a gay party - smoke, booze and tons of gossip. We were pairing up Zorro with my non-G4M friend, Franchesca (who looks like JC De Vera). I really thought they were doing well and that they'd end up in a motel somewhere.

Frachesca announced that he wanted to transfer to Apozaga, a dance club in Olongapo. I told him I didn't want to go there because I didn't like the crowd and the ventilation was close to non-existent. So when the other part of the G4M posse said they wanted to transfer to a videoke joint, we went out. Franchesca said he was going to Apozaga but Zorro stayed with us. So off Franchesca went to fish somewhere else.

When we got to the videoke joint, Zorro started to become too close for comfort. I knew I had a tendency to misinterpret things so I asked him if he was hitting on me. He said yes. I said he shouldn't. He said he doesn't care because he likes me.

I told Zorro that he shouldn't say that because 1st, we've just met and 2nd, he already has a partner.

He told me that this wasn't the first time he saw me. Around 3 years ago, he said he was courting my friend Kiara who is one of the most prominent fashion designers in Olongapo. He said he's seen me with Kiara a couple of times, sporadically around our anti-lazy city.

It was then I concluded ... Olongapo really has a small gay community.

He said he already had a crush on me since then and he didn't have the guts to message me through G4M because when he first saw me online, Marshall and I were together already so he waited. I was trying to push away all his advances because though I like him, the circumstances were a bit too weird for my poor taste buds.

After everybody got drunk at around 4am, we all decided to go home. Zorro invited me to eat at a fast food first. He paid for everything, which was a 1st because I'm usually the fastest to draw my wallet whenever I was out with friends.

While eating, we talked about him and his partner.

He said that they have been together under one roof for the past 1-1/2 years. They are staying with his partner's family. Him and his partner lived on the 2nd floor of the house, while his partner's family lived on the 1st.

He had a job before but his partner insisted that he quit and just stay home as he can provide all of Zorro's needs. After a while, he felt that he was becoming a burden already so he tried to apply for various jobs. Every time he tried to get a job in Manila or Pampanga, his partner's parents would beg him not to get the job as their son gets really depressed whenever he left hunting for a job. So the parents were sure it would be worse if he left.

It's just lately that he's really decided to work in Manila under a Call Center Agency because he can't stand the relationship anymore.

He said he is tired of his daily routine of cooking, cleaning, and washing his partner's clothes. He is also tired of his partner putting tabs on everything he does. Since his partner is still a closet to his friends and co-workers, he has also gone tired of pretending they are not "together" whenever they went out with his partner's friends and office mates.

I then told him the following:

1. He might just be attracted to me because I am the extreme opposite of his partner. I'm loud and spontaneous while his partner is discreet and pedantic. I exude a feel that I don't like him, that's why he sees it as a challenge that he should win.
2. He is just bored with how his relationship is going on, that's why he is looking for an outlet, and I specified to him that I am not willing to be that outlet. I can be a freind to him and listen to all what he has to say and support him when he needs me but I cannot offer anything more than that.

When I asked him if he still loves his partner, he only spaced out in deep thought. I told him that there is a difference between love, pity and gratitude.

He then said that he was really only staying because he was afraid that if he left, it would look like he only used his partner so that he can get all the freebies of living comfortably for the past year and a half. I told him that whether he stayed longer or left now, he can't change how people will think of him.

I also told him that he should first asses what he really feels before doing things that can hurt their relationship. But when he is sure that he doesn't love the person anymore, he should end the relationship as staying with his partner without loving him would only hurt him and his partner the longer they stayed together.

Being in a relationship, whether gay or straight is extremely difficult. I think being in a gay relationship, and keeping it, is much more difficult. Why?

1. Pinoy Gay culture is built in such a way that the LGBT community feels like changing partners is as easy as changing clothes.
2. Look up, down, left or right and you will see gays abound looking for a relationship - paid or real. So there are lots of choices and lots of opportunities - in short - temptation is everywhere.
3. There are no properties or children to think about so breaking up isn't a big deal to be thought of.

I've always been joking that since I was in 1st grade, I have always dreamed of becoming a mistress. But the thing is, when the opportunity arose - I backed out.

I really don't know if it's whether I wasn't attracted enough for me to disregard my morals ..... or if my parents brought me up really well for me not to want to destroy somebody else's fairy tale.

(Header Pic: Confused by burgeurqueen @ www.deviantart.com)