Love Lost

I've waited 3 years for a new relationship.  Well, not really "wait",  because whenever I'm on vacation, speed dating services would envy me at how fast I go through dates.  Whenever I wasn't on a date, I went out with friends to "hunt" at clubs and bars - 99% of which ends up with my friends carrying new human accessories with them, and me, just a lighted cigarette and a sure-fire hang-over.  My friends kept on telling me that I have really high standards and whenever we go out, my constant blabber of "Nobody's interested in me" is more of a "Nobody here is interesting for me".  Even now, I don't know which is which.  During this vacation though, I went out with one guy who I'll hide under the name of Marshall ... and I almost thought that he was THE ONE.

Marshall didn't exactly fit into any of my "Hot List" pre-requisites but there were things about him that intrigued me.  In fairness to Marshall, he was not bad-looking, he's successful for his age, he's really sweet, honest and above everything else - I knew that he loved me.

After our first bed bout, he introduced me the next morning to his neighbors as his "partner".  Flabbergasted would be too weak a word to describe me, but I was too polite to shout-out that I wasn't his partner and was more of an ONS.  The next day, we went to my favorite acoustic bar here in Olongapo (Brew's Bistro) for a couple of drinks, and to my surprise, some of his office-mates and staff were there. Again, he introduced me as his partner.

By that time, I was really thinking that the 2nd day of date isn't safe to make it official.  But when I gave more thought about it, I usually only stay in the Philippines for 2 months so time is of the essence.  I gave-in and started to really consider him as my partner.

Our first week was great.  I honestly can say I fell head-over-stiletto-heels on him.  He did small things when we slept together that made me feel so safe ... and so loved.  After a week, he introduced me to his mom.  His mom bought us a set of "partnership ring" after I left them for their mom-and-unico-hijo lunch date.  I know it sounds telenovela-like and all but that was what he told me when he gave me "the ring".

To cut this crap short, we spent a total of 1 month together that was really "fitzgerald".  He became really demanding.  He made small issues into big fights (like my not texting back in an hour made him sure I was sleeping around with somebody else).  One time, when I told him I didn't want to talk to him because I was really angry, he went to the nearest bar and drank until he passed out.  His girlfriends who were with him got their panties in a bunch and heckled me while I was getting my haircut through text messages and phone calls.  There were so many drama scenes during our month together that even Judy Ann Santos would trade her career for a preview of it.

The biggest blow to our relationship though was when I found out that he had suicidal tendencies.  I only found out about this when he told his friends that he would "do it again" (he's done it twice before he met me) and they begged me to talk with Marshall because he was really going to do it again if I didn't.  This got me to really think hard.  In the end, I thought of breaking up with him when I leave so that I wouldn't have to face the climax of the drama series that was our relationship.

The day came when I really had enough.  He did his usual stunts to get me irritated so that it'd escalate into another fight and another drama - but I kept my cool.  He did everything from not talking to me and making faces, to throwing his phone on the table when I  started laughing with our friends, flirting with gays and girls who were close to his reach and a lot of other things - all to start a scene which I didn't give him.    

When we got to his house, he did something again that really got me irritated so I told him that I needed to sleep and that we'd just talk the next day.  He went into his staple "crying gig" to get me talking but I stood my ground (though I was lying in bed) and just shut up.  I was really considering NOT to break up with him that night because I know how fragile he was.  But when he said "Pagod na pagod na ako sa pag-iyak!" (I'm so tired of crying!), that made me realize something:

Was I being selfish?  Was my trying to prolong our break-up until I left for work again, hurting him more?  I know I still love him (even until now that I'm writing this), but I know it's not enough for a relationship anymore.  I knew that what I was feeling for him then was more of pity than love.  So I got up, dressed up and was about to leave when he literally begged on his knees in front of me and told me not to make my decision yet and to still think about it.  It was Tuesday then and I told him I'll tell him what I think by Friday.

He did keep his end of the bargain though. He didn't text me the whole week, didn't call, didn't send me any IM's and didn't tell anybody of what was going on.  Though I know these were difficult for him, my decision was still the same - I didn't love him as much as I did before and I will only be hurting him more if i pretended otherwise.  I respect him too much to make a pantaloon out of him so I broke up with him amidst all the crying and the blatant threat of hurting himself if I leave.

When our common friends and I got to the nearest comedy bar for a couple of drinks to gab about my epic break-up, Marhsall started texting me his "Goodbye and take care of yourself" messages.  I had a gut feeling that he was really going to commit suicide again so I asked one of our common friends to check on him.  A couple of minutes after our friend left, I got a text message from Marshall's best friend that he slashed his wrists and he was in the hospital.

We went to the ER, and thankfully, his wounds were only epidermal and his neighbors and my friend who I sent back - got there in the nick of time.  He didn't loose that much blood so he was sent home the same night.

As of this writing, Marshall is still in Baguio to "soul search".  He has sent me several messages through text and IM's - all of which I never responded to.  But each message though were like knives cutting through my heart.  Every time I see him leaving traces of his viewing my profiles online, it makes me wonder if I have turned into a monster.  He loved me (and based on his last message 1 hour before I wrote this - he still does).  But what did I do to him?  I've hurt his feelings enough for him to try to kill himself.

I don't even know why I'm writing this.  Maybe because I need somebody to tell me I haven't turned into a heartless bitch. Or maybe I need to feel people empathizing with me more than Marshall. Have I done the right thing? Or have I just lost the only person who will love me for who I am for the rest of my life? ....